Imagine having obsessive fears and anxiety invade your mind, causing you to worry and overthink even the simplest tasks. No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop worrying and taking illogical actions to try to ease your irrational fears.
Yes, that’s who I am: a person with a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. Commonly referred to as OCD, people with this mental health condition experience unwanted thoughts that trigger fears that they try to ease with compulsive actions.
Classmates and teachers know me as a hard-working senior with an A average, and the newspaper’s editor- in-chief. But I’m also the person who washes his hands over and over again. I’m the person who fixes his bed five times a day and checks the kitchen stoves countlessly before going to bed. I’m the person who needs to be too organized all the time.
Now, let’s talk about my parents’ headache: I give my mom my clothes for laundry every two days. I take a shower for 1 ½ hours, even though my dad needs to use it before heading to work. Hand soaps and napkins don’t last even a week at my home. Thankfully, my mom figured out one solution, single-use hand gloves so that I don’t need to wash my hands so often.
Why would my school life be left off my list of worries? There must be an extra pen stain on every single one of my papers because my mind says to do it – or something worse will happen to me. One exam day, while filling out my bubble sheet for multiple-choice questions, I kept filling out the circles, making them darker and darker. A classmate kept looking at me and laughing quietly. At the end of the exam, he asked me why. I gave my usual reply to such questions: “It’s my habit.”
I grew up in a family filled with joy, so I don’t understand why I am compelled to overthink everything. My mother, noting all my habits, eventually took me to a doctor who confirmed that I have OCD. The medicine and counseling have helped me feel a little more belonging to the usual world. But until now, I’ve always kept my condition a secret.
My need to hide my OCD changed when I attended a national journalism conference in Nashville in November. During the four-day trip, I shared a room with three roommates from another NYC public high school. As we got to know each other, I started to feel confident enough to share my thoughts and fears with them. In doing so, I became more confident and during the conference, eagerly introduced myself to people from across the nation. This experience has boosted my confidence as I get ready to head off to college in the fall. It also motivated me to tell others about my condition and how it affects my daily life.
From the time I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep after a suffocating bedtime, I feel anxious about everything in my life. Oddly, I don’t feel abnormal when I’m busy doing something or talking to people. This mindset has helped me do well in school.
When people jokingly say, “How OCD you are!” after watching my daily movements, and I tell them that I’m a person with OCD, their smiley-funny look turns into a sullen face. This makes me anxious: It’s like a lifeless joylessness fills my mind.
So what do I need from others? I appreciate teachers and classmates who are open-and-gentle-minded. I want people to act and talk as simply as possible without expressing concerns. Being around nice people who act naturally helps heal my inner pain. And such exchanges give me hope that eventually I will lead a more normal life.
More info about OCD: http://iocdf.org
